Have you ever had a period in life where you had to be quiet about something? I’ve recently had one of those times where I’ve gone silent due to life, life, life and more life. This picture is of me when I was practicing medicine. Since my last post the following things have occurred:
・I stopped practicing operating room anesthesiology
・I started writing music and embraced my passions as a songwriter and musician
・I became a mom who drops kids off to school and deals with a screaming toddler 24/7
・I became FREE in all senses of the word
This is a departure from what the status quo in medicine and in life. We are taught to be born, grow up, work, work, work and more work to pay our debts and then die. We are to run around, stay in traffic, not see our family and we expect to be happy. We expect that the money we are getting should be enough, but often end our days feeling that something is missing.
My decision to leave the operating room was one of being honest with myself and my needs. I have a specialty in Pain management and much prefer practicing in this capacity. I thought this was why I needed to go, and while certainly this was part of it, something else was bothering me. I’ve always had a longing to write music and impact the world through the healing power of music. Once I pursued medicine however, I suppressed my desires and passions. I figured after I trained, I could pick it back up. Then I pushed that to after Boards were finished. Finally, my dreams were relegated to retirement.
In my pursuit of making money and “taking care of business”, I threw my dreams away. I looked up one day and 20 years passed. I didn’t make progress in the thing I loved, but I did accomplish some amazing things including dual Board certification and being good at my career. When I took inventory, I realized I was dying inside and not fulfilled with my role in the OR.
So, against conventional wisdom, I started working on my passion, writing songs, playing music, singing, producing- all things I convinced myself I couldn’t do, or that I wasn’t good enough to do. I don’t have a “safety net” and most people are like- “are you crazy?”, but I have to do what I know is the best move for me. My family life is alive and thriving, I’m better overall, especially mentally, and I’m doing another thing that I feel that I’m put on this earth for.
People ask if I feel I wasted my training. This makes me shake my head a little. I don’t believe anything is wasted. All experiences inform us in some way. I still very much have my training, experience and 7 years of practice. Nothing is ever wasted and yes I still have opportunities to practice medicine. Currently my focus is shifting to prioritize my other callings in life outside of medicine.
My message is simple and is this: Don’t throw away who you are to be a doctor. Become a doctor with ALL that you are. If you love to dance- please keep dancing. Even in residency, make sure you warm up and find classes you can attend. Yes, you may sacrifice the day to day practicing of what gives you joy while you are in training, but it is VITAL that you don’t STOP doing it all together.
I gave half-baked effort to music my whole career while I gave 1000% to medicine. Ironically, music is what I always loved deep down. Now it’s my turn to give myself to making music and to improving my musicianship. I couldn’t be happier with where I am. I believe we are multidimensional and that we are breathing to accomplish certain goals. Some people are suited for one career, while others accomplish multiple pursuits. It’s all good and vital and needed.
So premeds and trainees: PLEASE BE YOU to the fullest. You can’t do everything at the same time, but please keep your passions alive. Make time for them. Medicine will make room for them eventually and depending on how important they are in your life, you will find a way to make room. I had to stop practicing a specialty I didn’t love in order to practice another specialty in a way that accommodates music. My choices now prioritize what I truly love and it feels awesome. Remember, YOU practice medicine and make sure it doesn’t practice YOU.
I am here to provide guidance through the medical school application process and beyond. As a former admission committee member and graduate of the UC system, I know first hand what it takes to make it to and through training and beyond. I am passionate about helping students like you to navigate this process.
If you want access to a course and materials that guide you through the medical school application process, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Remember, BE YOU!
Candice Williams, MD